I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
