a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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