My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
