:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
