before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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