Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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