I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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