Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
