I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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