at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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