I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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