ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
