seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
