I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
