He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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