it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
