just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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