Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
