Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
