Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
