You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
