mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
