i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
