i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
