Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
