Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
