Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
