He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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