my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
