I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
