if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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