I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We're too hungover to prance.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
