did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
