You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
