Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
