I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
