Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
