the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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