i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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