booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Who died my cat blue again?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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