we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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