Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
