i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
