Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
