I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
