I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
