Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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