Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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