You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
