I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
