I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
