I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..