Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
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The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
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We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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