yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
