Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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