So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
