i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
