I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
