Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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