it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just puked most of my soul out..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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