yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
