since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
