I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
